dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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