Betty ford says i'm here all night
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize