After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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