based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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