ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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