Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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