I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
