You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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