ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
