...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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