Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
