Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
