Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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