I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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