it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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