my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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