Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
