Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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