My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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