mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
