remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
