Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
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Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
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I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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