one two three fourrrrnication!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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