At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
