he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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