This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
