just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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