I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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