my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
