they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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