His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
