I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i need some magic done to my vagina
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
