i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
