She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
