Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize