fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
