if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
