I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
