She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
