Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
