Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
A+ Viking dick
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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