I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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