The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
