Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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