I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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