Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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