My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
