I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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