After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
