Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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