my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
