My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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