My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My liver just broke up with me...
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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