My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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