How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
