I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
